By Jack Handey
Jack Handey is one among America's favourite humorists, from his New Yorker items to his Deep Thoughts books and Saturday evening Live sketches. Now, in What i would Say to the Martians, Handey regales readers along with his remarkable wit and wacky musings.
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Additional info for What I'd Say to the Martians: And Other Veiled Threats
We see his dream. In it, the giraffe fearfully ways a headstone. at the beginning he can’t make out the identify on it, but if he eventually does, he's stunned. The identify at the headstone reads “The Monkey. ” The giraffe wakes up in a chilly sweat (heat lamp). exhibit woman explorers swimming in a crystal-clear lagoon, so that you can see they’re nude. Narrator: “Meanwhile, within reach, are explorers, Laci and Brandy. ” exhibit the explorers swimming for rather it slow. Then exhibit them getting dressed and leaving. We detect they've got left a couple of binoculars in the back of. The monkey is ravenous now. we all know this simply because while he seems at a parrot on a department, it becomes a roasted, steaming parrot on a department. Narrator: “The monkey is now on the finish of his rope. So he places his religion within the Almighty. ” Monkey prays. (Glue monkey’s fingers jointly. ) express monkey strolling alongside later. (Be bound to unglue palms first. ) He sees a gleaming treasure chest, and opens it—it’s jam-packed with bananas. (Have choir making a song in heritage, so that you recognize it’s from God. ) Refreshed through that stable banana foodstuff, the monkey heads off. For comedian aid, convey monkey forthcoming a skunk and getting sprayed. If monkey won't procedure skunk, feed monkey whiskey so he'll sit back and cross as much as skunk. even if, don't allow him drink an excessive amount of or he might kill skunk. express monkey discovering binoculars. Monkey learns tips on how to use binoculars. (Have lots of movie, simply because this can take decades. ) Monkey climbs up tree and scans horizon. We see his viewpoint, which eventually specializes in certain, the giraffe! He screams (BB pellet) with pleasure. simply then the giraffe is shot by means of a tranquilizer dart. We express the shooters, trappers from a zoo. we all know they're evil simply because we observed a component previous the place they have been taking pictures one another with tranquilizer darts, to get excessive. minimize to a truck touring around the savanna. In a cage within the again is the giraffe, having a look unhappy (half a drowsing pill). yet then we display that it’s now not the 2 trappers using the truck, however the monkey! (Note: Use reasonable truck simply because monkey will most likely break it. ) express the 2 trappers sitting on floor, tied up. no use to teach how the monkey captured them; simply have one of many trappers say, “That damned monkey! ” express monkey freeing giraffe from cage and monkey jumping onto neck of giraffe. (Note: monkey would possibly not do that, so placed monkey on giraffe neck and jerk again with harness; then exhibit movie in opposite. ) Narrator: “The monkey and the giraffe are reunited ultimately, as nature meant. ” exhibit giraffe attempting to achieve a bit of fruit excessive on a tree department, yet he can’t. The monkey clambers up on most sensible of his head and selections the fruit, yet then eats it himself. The giraffe shakes his head and laughs. (Give giraffe anything to urge choking, then dub in giggling sounds. ) convey the 2 lady explorers returning to the lagoon, trying to find the binoculars. They can’t locate them, so that they simply choose to pass swimming back. Monkey and giraffe gallop off into sundown. query: would it not be an excessive amount of to teach monkey donning a bit cowboy hat?