The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass

By Bill Maher

From the New York Times bestselling writer and host of HBO’s actual Time, invoice Maher’s most up-to-date choice of political riffs and savagely humorous feedback for holding sanity in an insane global.

New Rule: the following Republican conference has to be held in an enormous closet. a week there’s a brand new homosexual Republican outed. i've got a sense that “big tent” they’re regularly conversing approximately is of their pants. there are such a lot of Republicans within the closet, their image shouldn’t be an elephant; it may be a moth.

New Rule: If considered one of your information organization’s headlines is ready who obtained kicked off Dancing with the Stars final evening, you’re not a information association. type of like, if you happen to have been on Dancing with the Stars final evening, you’re now not a celeb.

Media, star, Democrats, Republicans, faith, teenagers, marine existence, electronics, that couple making out within the subsequent booth—when it involves lighting fixtures up his goals, invoice Maher is an equal-opportunity destroyer. The New New Rules deals Maher’s new and best-loved observations in regards to the international round us, besides a few modest information for its development. simply because wouldn’t lifestyles be a bit larger if the interior of the workplace microwave didn’t seem like a Jackson Pollock portray, or if fathers stopped signing up their nine-year-olds to win loose looking journeys? Scathingly humorous and relentlessly unafraid of delicate themes, Maher’s hilarious model of realism is extra welcome and precious than ever. So relax, learn on, and revel in. you'll no longer accept as true with all his perspectives, yet one thing’s for sure: If you’re listening, you’re giggling.

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Please, I’ve obtained seasonal bronchial asthma! it kind of feels like several time I activate the television nowadays I see a few advert for a few drug I by no means heard of to regard a few illness I by no means heard of. That’s no longer a stomachache you may have from consuming the chili-cheese fries at Johnny Rockets, it’s irritable bowel syndrome, or IBS. Or, as I name it, BS. which might additionally observe to the scary social anxiousness affliction, or, as we used to name it, shyness—and we taken care of it with an outdated home cure: scotch and water. Your spouse doesn’t get grew to become on? It couldn’t be simply because you’re a snowman-shaped sausage casing so jam-packed with beer you sweat hops. It’s simply because she has lady sexual disorder. And prior to they got here up with stressed leg syndrome, did it even exist? Did you ever listen somebody say, “Sorry I couldn’t make the social gathering, invoice, the outdated stressed leg was once appearing up”? I’m awaiting the advert that tells me my morning hard-on is admittedly superfluous stress syndrome, or SRS, and has a comic strip bunny who says, “Are you stricken by way of morning stiffness? attempt Flaccidix. Flaccidix is particularly formulated to make your penis glossy and extra workable. unwanted side effects? You bleed out of your pores, then explode and die. And/or dry mouth. ” —April 28, 2006 CHAI midday New Rule: Gun-control humans need to cease pressuring Starbucks to prohibit weapons. i need my gun nuts overcaffeinated, twitchy, and accident-prone. That means, the matter will look after itself. Plus, if only one gun nut kills only one pseudo-intellectual writing a screenplay-slash-graphic-novel on his iPad, ordinary choice is doing its activity. CHAIN OF FOOLS New Rule: the subsequent smart factor you invent that comfortably matches on my keychain needs to be a tool that is helping me carry my keychain. because of the dongle that unlocks my motor vehicle, the equipment that shops my laptop documents, and the dingus that provides me my grocery store savings, I’m now the dorkus who can slightly get my keys into my pocket. And no, geeks, that bulge on your pants doesn’t make you glance cool. It makes you seem like you will have a Swiss military penis. CHICK CORNEA New Rule: Don’t continue the tremendous Glue subsequent on your eye drops. An aged lady in Phoenix was once attaining for her cataract drugs and—yes, she great Glued her eyes close. And after seeing what occurred, her husband of decades took the great Glue and moved it subsequent to the toothpaste. CHIME AND PUNISHMENT New Rule: church buildings need to cease ringing the rattling bells. It used to be a good suggestion within the heart a while, yet humans have clocks now. It’s in contrast to you’re doing us all a want via holding the hunchbacks off the road. Make up your brain, are you a home of worship or an ice cream truck? CHINA FILL-UPS New Rule: you could mess together with your acquaintances after they go out, yet now not within the ass. whilst a chinese language guy handed out under the influence of alcohol, his associates suggestion it’d be humorous in the event that they put a stay eel in his rectum. after which it gnawed via his guts and he died. The worst a part of this tale? That’s how they make moo goo gai pan. CHOP STICKLERS New Rule: Waiters in Asian eating places need to cease giving me perspective while I ask for a fork.

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