By Andy Dawson
A diary from the Queen Of Hearts, charting her growth within the afterlife, according to the wildly renowned @DianaInHeaven Twitter account.
Follow a 12 months in Diana's existence as she plots to seduce Jimi Hendrix, is baffled via the innovations of Michael Jackson, reminisces approximately her time on the earth and enjoys spending time together with her robotic Jade Goody.
Contains VERY robust language.
Oh, simply examine bad, bad Steve Irwin. nonetheless hasn’t come to phrases with personal tragic, freakish loss of life. Doesn’t set foot out of his pod except he’s received his vulcanised rubber burka on and trudges round parping on a klaxon and thrashing a tennis racket at a person and whatever that is going close to him.
It’s ok Steve, you’re in Heaven mate – no jellyfish can damage you currently. Be nonetheless my child.
Best needs in this special occasion to the fathers of my youngsters. Er, father, I intended father. As in just one. received that?
Preview of Diana In Heaven: The Dead Princess Diaries PDF
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Additional resources for Diana In Heaven: The Dead Princess Diaries
Now not this time. Antwerp. What a bastard. 4th JANUARY Packing for Antwerp. imagine I’ll head down there early doorways with the teeth Fairy. It’s an extended journey and it’s great to have just a little corporation, even supposing the the teeth Fairy is fagging 60 an afternoon in the interim. She has to be pondering her picture a piece extra – she’s up for re-election in a couple of weeks. I don’t understand no matter if the electorate are going to be at liberty approximately sticking with a the teeth Fairy with yellow hands, a hacking cough and, how am i able to positioned this, a few retro perspectives. Don’t be aware of why I’m skirting round it – the actual fact of the problem is that she’s an immense fats fucking racist. seventh JANUARY again from Antwerp – the enamel Fairy strayed clear of her remit a bit of and ended up entering into a row with a few Algerian taxi drivers in a bar. I sat within the nook, saved my head down and watched The Bourne identification at the 22-inch small screen television they’d received caught within the nook. Didn’t even get around to haunting a person. overall waste of time and effort. might have been at domestic taking part in 5D tornado with Roy citadel and Eartha Kitt. ninth JANUARY Perked up a piece at the present time after the massive guy laid on a colorful kaleidoscope typhoon for us all. It was once soundtracked by means of a brand new piece that Mozart has been engaged on – it’s known as ‘Sitting On My Finger’. The jury’s out at the song – i think he’s now not as pushed as he was now that he’s useless and never excited by chart positions from now on. within the night, some of us accrued around to reply to a few of these mediums who occasionally get via to us from Earth. The crappy provincial ones are the simplest, all tans, the teeth and determined waffle. One medium obtained via to me and that i pretended to be the useless spouse of a few outdated bloke from from Uttoxeter. informed him that i'll learn his brain, had picked up the recommendations he’d been having concerning the puppy within the evenings and didn’t brain. 14th JANUARY Antwerp back? for 5 days? Fuck that – I’m going into hiding. twenty second JANUARY repute eventually – i used to be a contestant on Celestial Countdown this day. evidently, Richard Whiteley is within the scorching seat – he took over from Geoff Chaucer whilst he arrived up the following. needed to beat the previous guy in a tremendous bare-knuckle tear-up inside of a delivery box first even though. 3 hours they have been in there. lousy, but oddly arousing. besides, extra concerning the exhibit. It’s a section assorted to the Countdown that you simply lot be aware of. instead of arising with the longest observe, the assumption is to return up with a valid from an inventory of alternative brief noises. My top attempt was once a 3 moment sound, the same as a ‘Mrrraahhhhp! ’ acquired good crushed through John Belushi who got here up with a nineteen-second sound that to me used to be a section too resembling the Mercedes because it roared via that tunnel in Paris in ’97. Cheeky twat. twenty fifth JANUARY Robert Palmer spent the morning going round along with his blouse undone to the waist and wearing what he reckons is a type of new iPads. I went and had a butchers at it however it was once only a fucking baking tray with a few red tissue-paper squares painted on it. afterward I clocked Palmer dull the arse off of Mark Twain, exhibiting him the 'e-reading functions' of his so-called 'iPad'.